Do You Realize?

I have never, ever, in all my life been left so amazed and in awe after a show. In all my years of going to tiny clubs, festivals, and all the in-betweens, I have never felt so inspired and absolutely alive. Thank you, thank you, thank you Flaming Lips. Before the set even started and they were just testing lights and effects, I just stood there saying "man, I really wish I were more fucked up for this set. It's going to be crazy!". I watched so many people light up their bowls and start passing out glowsticks, and I thought I was in for another Bonnaroo-esque experience, on a much smaller scale. The sirens sound and lights fade up - before I even have a chance to gather what's going on, the music is a blaring and the stage explodes. Giant confetti-filled balloons rolling over the audience. Streamers being shot out from Wayne Coyne's hands. So many different colored lights. It was magical. Like a cupcake factory exploding onto a prom during a child's birthday party. I was thrilled. "This is going to be a religious experience," I think to myself. I like that this is how I am spending my sabbath. In between songs, Coyne makes it a point to constantly have the crowd's affection. "Come on, motherfuckers. Come on," he says, in a way that isn't the slightest bit offensive. It's earnest, and because of that you have to just scream and clap. I start to wonder about his ego. There's a bold display of vanity that radiates from Coyne. I smile and think about how narcissistic he might be. I decide he is not. He is like a child himself on stage, surrounded by toys and props and shiny things. He climbs into a hamster ball and challenges himself to stay standing, only supported by a sea of hands underneath him. I admire this. I decide that this is very much a religious experience. Songs come and go - I am by no means a huge Flaming Lips fan. I know a few things from a few different albums; I really enjoy what I do know, but I am not there to sing every word to every song. I am there to feel. To see and experience all of this wonder. In the middle of the set, in the middle of a song, Coyne slips into a giant pair of hands. I mean - they are massive. And I go back to his ego and the vanity and the possible narcissism. I have come to the conclusion that Coyne has a bit of a God-complex. He likes to be in control. He likes to be in front of a group and deliver a message. He likes to be praised. And all in all, he is worthy of it, from what I've seen up to that point. The lights go out and Coyne's giant hands shoot LED streams at a massive, twirling disco ball. It is mesmerizing. The set goes on and so does the dancing and the jumping and the screaming. My throat is raw. The lights go out - the set is over. So more clapping and screaming. People throw glow sticks and their face paint is wearing off. An encore. The lights are this delicious blend of blue and white. An almost vanilla-shade, really. I am caught in this delightful trance as I watch them do a song they recorded with Bon Iver. Then they are gone again. "It can't be over! It can't be," I say. I realize when the show is actually done, I will be devastatingly heartbroken. I am not ready. The lights go back up and the band returns for a second encore. Ballsy. Totally in line with my theory on Coyne's God-complex. And then he preaches. And it is the most beautiful message. A man so humbled by his fans, so amazed and aware of their allegiance to this band. I can't speak or think anymore. He is a prophet now. It's all too real. And he says "it's amazing because there are some of you out there right now, some of you that are probably going through some real shit but you put on a smile and you come here to forget it all and to be a part of this amazing group of people." I can't take it anymore. I lose all inhibition and tears pour out of my eyeballs like they are goddamn waterfalls. How true is that? How many people in that crowd spend their day-to-days drowning in a sea of bullshit, but come together in this one moment to put it behind them and completely let go. "Do You Realize" starts, a song that I have always adored and understood, and the stage explodes with confetti. Balls are bouncing from hand to hand, across countless people, and I am breathless. My hands cannot stay anywhere but pointed to the sky while I look up to the clouds. The moon is hazy, but there. I am sobbing uncontrollably, but not because I'm sad. Because in this moment, in the middle of Forest Park, on the last day of my last music festival of the summer, I am the happiest I have ever been. I feel a sense of gratitude that has never existed for me. My heart actually feels like it may burst inside of my rib cage and splatter my insides with glitter. A calm washes over me like white-wash on a fence post. It wouldn't look that way, as I am just blubbering like a fool with rainbow-colored confetti stuck to my face. Coyne draws everyone back in for a gentle ending. I can't believe it's over. I'm not ready, but I realize I have to be. I put my hands on my chest and prepare myself as best as possible for going back to reality. Then it is over and Coyne has slipped away. Almost like a mythical creature. But I am still unbelievably happy. And I know where I need to be - in my best friend's arms. What's shocking is that he is sobbing, too. And unlike me (a giant baby), he never cries. But Coyne's message has sunk in deep. The beauty and majesty of the set is resonating on a level that is almost impossible to describe. We clutch each other like the world is ending, but neither of us is sad. I am in a state of calm that I had never thought possible for myself. I think about what I have to do when I get back to the city and I am not worried. I am not stressed. I am genuinely grateful for everything and everyone I have. I am so in love with the people in my life and I am so in love with the memories I am fortunate enough to make. Most of all, I finally reached the point where I am so in love with myself. Myself with all of my broken parts, with all of my flaws and faults. I am completely and utterly in love with myself. I have the most beautiful face.