#14

...she had no heart so hardened

i want to write an open letter to people i miss and love. people that i never kept in close-enough contact with but still think about often. or people i sort of keep contact with but wish it were an every day thing. i wish i were a better friend to all of you.

andrea - you have a heart made of the purest gold. you are always full of good intentions, honest emotions and unconditional love for the people in your life. you are selfless and because of that you are one of the most beautiful people i know. you are my doublemint twin, and i hope we always have that. i'm sorry that i can be a disappointment. that i'm not prompt with things and i get caught up in my day to days. i owe you phone calls, letters, visits and still money. i haven't forgotten and i never would. not a day goes by that something doesn't remind me of you or of you and joe or of the wedding. i lovelovelove you and i know it may not always seem like that, but it's true.

cameron/joebear/drewbear - you guys were my family in columbia. you still are my family. i think of all three of you as my trio of brothers. guys i can joke and laugh with, tease, whatever and still rely on. you guys may try to put up this sarcastic-jokester front but i'll always see past it. cameron, you were my right-hand man at moe's and sometimes the only thing keeping me sane. i'm sorry i missed out puppy-date, i'll always regret that one. joebear, watching 'and the band played on' with you was an excellent bonding experience that really showed how much there is to you. i couldn't be happier that you and andrea found an amazing love together and that i got to watch it grow from the beginning. drewbear, i wish you had hugged me before you moved to oregon, but i'm glad you're back. that means you owe me double-hugs when i visit. you are probably the biggest jerk when it comes to the sarcasm and the sass, but you're always the first one i want to hug and see. because i know you really are this lovable teddy bear.

reggie - i think about you a lot. i'm glad we had that phone conversation and i'm sorry we don't have more. i'm terrible at phone calls. thank you for always believing in me at moe's and the work that i was doing. you can be the biggest dick in the world and yet i knew you'd be the first one there if i ever needed you. you took care of me when i really needed it and you were always a voice of reason, even if the voice you were using was a totally douchey one. i'm glad you have gringo's and this amazing life in south carolina. i'm still going to try to visit you one day.

bonnie - i love you so much because you've been pushing me from the beginning. always telling me to grow a pair and stand up for myself and do what i want. it is something that will always stick with me. i know things have been rough for you and that i haven't been there. that i can't even keep a phone date. but i think about you every day, too, and that beautiful son of yours. i can't wait to make it back to hannibal soon and try to wrestle him into a hug. i'll wrestle you too, if i have to. you may not know it, but you were the driving force behind a lot of decisions i've made in my life. you inspire me to live for myself even if it doesn't make any sense. you're the most honest and loyal friend i've ever had and you are fierce with what you say, i love that. you mean every word. i miss you every day and always wish i had you with me to consult. we are long overdue for a catch-up chat. i will try my very best to make that happen more.

michelle/abby - you girls. jesus christ, where do i even start? you were two of the most unique and hilarious personalities i had ever met an i'm so glad i had you guys to talk to through that freshman year. and i'm glad that while it's been distant, we've managed to loosely keep in touch. we always have our shitty lives to talk about, but you both manage to do it with a smile and a laugh (i think that's probably the insanity breaking through, i do it all the time), and i love it. i hope we see each other soon, because i could totally use a margarita date.

allie/kris - you ladies taught me how to pull up my big-girl pants and sharpen my wit. you were my partners in crime. i know we've grown into three different directions, but i always look back to the parties and shows and social gatherings we attended and remember nothing but fucking hysterical times. we are three bold, bright, cunning women. let us not forget.

i don't know. the decemberists always make me miss smarr court and the life i had there. i know this one is better and suits me, but sometimes that back stoop was all i needed.

#13

...lived unbruised and we are friends, and i'm sorry - i'm sorry

i know i had a completely different blog with which to fill with rants and what not about you. but those were rants against the old you, the angry you who was stringing me along and felt no remorse. or at least acted that way.

then something beautiful happened and we turned into amazing friends and i think about you every day in the most wonderful, natural, fondest of ways. you are the first person i'd call on in an emergency and i know it's vice-versa.

the things you said last night shook me to the core. because they are things that i used to dream of, i used to dream for us. but i know they can't ever be real. we owe more to ourselves than that. we owe ourselves pure honesty and love and the ability to be open and real.

i don't know what i'm saying anymore. i just know that when you left today, it was the saddest i've ever been when we part ways. hours of staring out the window of a megabus and pondering if i had made the right decision seemed like a welcomed vacation to the lump in my throat at work all night tonight.

my blanket smells like you. it smells like your bed. it smells like we belong next to each other. how am i supposed to sleep tonight? or tomorrow night?

but it's true. i love you, i love you so very much - but i am not in love with you (nor you in love with me).

#12

...you say you hear human voices but they're only echoes



this is how i feel most days. completely drained by my loyalties to people. sometimes they're loyalties to people who don't deserve them or aren't relevant anymore. when will i learn to just move on and actually be this independent sassy bitch that i make myself out to be? soon, i hope.

#11

...here comes the razor of doubt, here comes the falling out

if i took one look at myself in my current state, i'd be repulsed.

how can it get better? is this the best i've got going for me? no, absolutely not. i just make excuses instead of making the changes i need for things to get better.

also, karma is not real. karma is for clueless idiots who sit around shitting in one hand and wishing in the other or for people who already have everything they need. regardless, fuck all of them.

#10

...you're not as brave as you were from the start

i just want physical contact. i go to sleep every night with my back in knots, my hips aching to be pressed into someone else's. i actually ache to be touched. and of course that includes sexually - nobody in this world should have the dry spells i've had - but i'd settle for someone lying next to me, pinning me between them and the wall and reminding me that i am human and that i deserve to feel the warmth of another human next to me.

these are desperate times, people! and i think i'm desperate, i mean, i want to be ravished like it's going out of style. but then i decided to act on my desperate impulses and put up a posting in the infamous "casual encounters" section of craigslist. i said exactly what i was in the mood for: no-strings-attached sex, just wham, bam and done. i described myself honestly and prepared to exchange pictures via e-mail and pick a winner. and the e-mails poured in! men all over this windy city want to get down and dirty with hacksaw brothers! the best part is that some of them were outrageously attractive, which just seems crazy.

but i can't do it. i couldn't reply to a single e-mail because that isn't me. i'm not a girl that just pops over to a complete stranger's house, takes off my clothes and hopes for the best (except for that one time). What if they're an axe murderer? What if they take one look at me and run away? What if they are into some kinky shit like glass tables?

So I deleted the ad and sat on my bed. Alone. My whole body tingling for any kind of human contact.

#9

...our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up

fall is the most awesome season of all time. everything smells better, feels better, looks better. fall foods are so tasty and the soundtrack that goes with fall is top-notch. i don't understand people who can't associate music with certain seasons or events, but who am i to judge? personally, i've got an arsenal of albums that are perfect for days that are chilly, windy and wonderful.

i am the most confident in fall - i look elegant in layers and tights and with a slight rosiness in my cheeks from the wind and the joy. i walk with an extra lift in every step and my head up, chest out.

maybe that means i can get some sex soon. let's all cross our fingers.