#15

...let's run away and don't ever look back

baggage with the boy is over, thank god. i'm glad i could finally put (another) blanket on that and lay it to rest. i think it was just the fall, it sometimes takes me down like that.

in other news, i'm still having moody days, but have nothing to attribute them to. maybe the cold, or the leaves, or the same ol' sappy songs i'm always listening to.

in reality, i think something big is coming. i'm not sure what it could be, but it's been causing an unrest in my bones for a hot minute now. winter is always a time of sleep and quiet, but i think this winter is going to bring the noise. something huge is going to happen in my life in the next few months and i haven't been able to decide if it's going to be amazing or crushing. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't totally excited for the adventure, though. let's just hope i'm not wrong about all of this.

also, i love katy perry's new album and i don't give no fuck what that says about me.

#14

...she had no heart so hardened

i want to write an open letter to people i miss and love. people that i never kept in close-enough contact with but still think about often. or people i sort of keep contact with but wish it were an every day thing. i wish i were a better friend to all of you.

andrea - you have a heart made of the purest gold. you are always full of good intentions, honest emotions and unconditional love for the people in your life. you are selfless and because of that you are one of the most beautiful people i know. you are my doublemint twin, and i hope we always have that. i'm sorry that i can be a disappointment. that i'm not prompt with things and i get caught up in my day to days. i owe you phone calls, letters, visits and still money. i haven't forgotten and i never would. not a day goes by that something doesn't remind me of you or of you and joe or of the wedding. i lovelovelove you and i know it may not always seem like that, but it's true.

cameron/joebear/drewbear - you guys were my family in columbia. you still are my family. i think of all three of you as my trio of brothers. guys i can joke and laugh with, tease, whatever and still rely on. you guys may try to put up this sarcastic-jokester front but i'll always see past it. cameron, you were my right-hand man at moe's and sometimes the only thing keeping me sane. i'm sorry i missed out puppy-date, i'll always regret that one. joebear, watching 'and the band played on' with you was an excellent bonding experience that really showed how much there is to you. i couldn't be happier that you and andrea found an amazing love together and that i got to watch it grow from the beginning. drewbear, i wish you had hugged me before you moved to oregon, but i'm glad you're back. that means you owe me double-hugs when i visit. you are probably the biggest jerk when it comes to the sarcasm and the sass, but you're always the first one i want to hug and see. because i know you really are this lovable teddy bear.

reggie - i think about you a lot. i'm glad we had that phone conversation and i'm sorry we don't have more. i'm terrible at phone calls. thank you for always believing in me at moe's and the work that i was doing. you can be the biggest dick in the world and yet i knew you'd be the first one there if i ever needed you. you took care of me when i really needed it and you were always a voice of reason, even if the voice you were using was a totally douchey one. i'm glad you have gringo's and this amazing life in south carolina. i'm still going to try to visit you one day.

bonnie - i love you so much because you've been pushing me from the beginning. always telling me to grow a pair and stand up for myself and do what i want. it is something that will always stick with me. i know things have been rough for you and that i haven't been there. that i can't even keep a phone date. but i think about you every day, too, and that beautiful son of yours. i can't wait to make it back to hannibal soon and try to wrestle him into a hug. i'll wrestle you too, if i have to. you may not know it, but you were the driving force behind a lot of decisions i've made in my life. you inspire me to live for myself even if it doesn't make any sense. you're the most honest and loyal friend i've ever had and you are fierce with what you say, i love that. you mean every word. i miss you every day and always wish i had you with me to consult. we are long overdue for a catch-up chat. i will try my very best to make that happen more.

michelle/abby - you girls. jesus christ, where do i even start? you were two of the most unique and hilarious personalities i had ever met an i'm so glad i had you guys to talk to through that freshman year. and i'm glad that while it's been distant, we've managed to loosely keep in touch. we always have our shitty lives to talk about, but you both manage to do it with a smile and a laugh (i think that's probably the insanity breaking through, i do it all the time), and i love it. i hope we see each other soon, because i could totally use a margarita date.

allie/kris - you ladies taught me how to pull up my big-girl pants and sharpen my wit. you were my partners in crime. i know we've grown into three different directions, but i always look back to the parties and shows and social gatherings we attended and remember nothing but fucking hysterical times. we are three bold, bright, cunning women. let us not forget.

i don't know. the decemberists always make me miss smarr court and the life i had there. i know this one is better and suits me, but sometimes that back stoop was all i needed.

#13

...lived unbruised and we are friends, and i'm sorry - i'm sorry

i know i had a completely different blog with which to fill with rants and what not about you. but those were rants against the old you, the angry you who was stringing me along and felt no remorse. or at least acted that way.

then something beautiful happened and we turned into amazing friends and i think about you every day in the most wonderful, natural, fondest of ways. you are the first person i'd call on in an emergency and i know it's vice-versa.

the things you said last night shook me to the core. because they are things that i used to dream of, i used to dream for us. but i know they can't ever be real. we owe more to ourselves than that. we owe ourselves pure honesty and love and the ability to be open and real.

i don't know what i'm saying anymore. i just know that when you left today, it was the saddest i've ever been when we part ways. hours of staring out the window of a megabus and pondering if i had made the right decision seemed like a welcomed vacation to the lump in my throat at work all night tonight.

my blanket smells like you. it smells like your bed. it smells like we belong next to each other. how am i supposed to sleep tonight? or tomorrow night?

but it's true. i love you, i love you so very much - but i am not in love with you (nor you in love with me).

#12

...you say you hear human voices but they're only echoes



this is how i feel most days. completely drained by my loyalties to people. sometimes they're loyalties to people who don't deserve them or aren't relevant anymore. when will i learn to just move on and actually be this independent sassy bitch that i make myself out to be? soon, i hope.

#11

...here comes the razor of doubt, here comes the falling out

if i took one look at myself in my current state, i'd be repulsed.

how can it get better? is this the best i've got going for me? no, absolutely not. i just make excuses instead of making the changes i need for things to get better.

also, karma is not real. karma is for clueless idiots who sit around shitting in one hand and wishing in the other or for people who already have everything they need. regardless, fuck all of them.

#10

...you're not as brave as you were from the start

i just want physical contact. i go to sleep every night with my back in knots, my hips aching to be pressed into someone else's. i actually ache to be touched. and of course that includes sexually - nobody in this world should have the dry spells i've had - but i'd settle for someone lying next to me, pinning me between them and the wall and reminding me that i am human and that i deserve to feel the warmth of another human next to me.

these are desperate times, people! and i think i'm desperate, i mean, i want to be ravished like it's going out of style. but then i decided to act on my desperate impulses and put up a posting in the infamous "casual encounters" section of craigslist. i said exactly what i was in the mood for: no-strings-attached sex, just wham, bam and done. i described myself honestly and prepared to exchange pictures via e-mail and pick a winner. and the e-mails poured in! men all over this windy city want to get down and dirty with hacksaw brothers! the best part is that some of them were outrageously attractive, which just seems crazy.

but i can't do it. i couldn't reply to a single e-mail because that isn't me. i'm not a girl that just pops over to a complete stranger's house, takes off my clothes and hopes for the best (except for that one time). What if they're an axe murderer? What if they take one look at me and run away? What if they are into some kinky shit like glass tables?

So I deleted the ad and sat on my bed. Alone. My whole body tingling for any kind of human contact.

#9

...our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up

fall is the most awesome season of all time. everything smells better, feels better, looks better. fall foods are so tasty and the soundtrack that goes with fall is top-notch. i don't understand people who can't associate music with certain seasons or events, but who am i to judge? personally, i've got an arsenal of albums that are perfect for days that are chilly, windy and wonderful.

i am the most confident in fall - i look elegant in layers and tights and with a slight rosiness in my cheeks from the wind and the joy. i walk with an extra lift in every step and my head up, chest out.

maybe that means i can get some sex soon. let's all cross our fingers.

#8

...i know you have much more love than you have shown

i've only really said this out loud to one person. to the most important person. who didn't take me seriously, not that it matters. he couldn't help me. i just needed to be heard and believed.

i want a baby.

i think about it at least once every day. i want to feel a warmth inside of me and have that warmth become a bundle in my arms. something to nurture and teach and inspire. i want a baby to give all of this love that's spilling out of me to. to raise as a little person with ideas and a bold, beautiful imagination.

i would raise the best baby in the world, with or without anyone by my side.

#7

...happiness hit her like a train on a track

Man, exercise always makes me poop.

I think that's probably a good sign - that whatever I'm doing is forcing all of the bad out of my body in one lump (get it) sum. Today was the first day of Body For Life for me, which means for the next 12 weeks, I'll be a bonified gym rat. I'll only drink one day a week, give up red meat, be up at 4 a.m. most mornings and maybe, just maybe, develop a sleeping pattern.

Hells bells.

I'm actually pretty pumped, but today was only day one. This time next week, I'll be all "goddamn i want a beer and a hot dog".

Whatever, at least I have an awesome mix of songs for the gym. I call the playlist "gym beatz". It is promising.

#6

...every time you waste a moment, you waste make-believe

I'm listening to Bonnie 'Prince' Billy, looking through old photos from various stages of my life to make prints and talking to Michael Shults. That last part of that is extremely weird as Michael and I went to school together but were never close and haven't really talked since we graduated. He's a nice guy, though, and a super-talented musician. I guess that's always been our common bond. In 6th grade, I had a giant lady-boner for him because he was really sweet to me and we were both crazed over the Cardinals.

Sometimes I like to reminisce about various chapters in my life and remember how infinite I really am. There is a core group of people in my life that this also applies to. Like Charlie in 'Perks of Being a Wallflower', we were infinite.

Wow, that was really lame. My apologies.

I should be asleep. But I felt so behind on things to do with my computer. The thing is, someday I should realize that sleep is not something I can just give up or make up later. Hopefully Body for Life will break that habit.

I'm sort of just rambling right now. But the music is making me feel inspired to write, so hear I am.

Damn you, Michael Shults.

#5

...it's simple, but somehow, letting go's the hardest part

I just facebook-stalked Kara. It's weird, because I keep thinking that I'm going to see her face, or see a comment from her and it'll bring all this emotion and heartache rushing to my face, burning my cheeks. Instead, I see her and I just assume she's telling people awful things about me, which could or could not be true, and I shake my head and realize I'm better off.

I'm ready for such a big change. Like...completely different from anything I've expected before. I want something that makes everyone look at me twice, blink and say "holy shit". Not just because of a physical makeover, but because I'm going to finally get my shit together and people will sense that.

Also - Hanson? Still the best show I'll ever see. Seriously. It reminds me of why I have always loved music and why I want to explore my potential as a musician.

AHHHH I'M READY.

#4

...i met a girl who kept tattoos for homes that she had loved

i keep telling myself that i like coming home to hannibal. but then i actually do it and end up spending the time here on the verge of some sort of mental collapse. it's not the people - i could care less about flocks of toothless river-folk with no grasp of common sense. it's not the lack of things to do - i could sit at joe's diner drinking tar-coffee for hours on end as long as i'm in good company.

it's my parents. it's the house i'm supposed to call home when i go back.

the first thing that hit me when i walked in this time wasn't the stacks of clutter everywhere. this time it was the smell. at least in all the years before, the house was just messy. clothes strewn about, random odds and ends filling every available space. but it wasn't dirty so much as it was just overflowing with useless junk (except for the bathroom, which i attribute to my unemployed, heavily-bearded younger brother). i could sort of manage the junk.

but a smell?

it filled each nostril as soon as i crossed the threshold in. nothing rotten or sour - just the tangy smell of dog, swirling with a general musty odor. immediately my blood pressure went up a few notches. it's bad enough that whenever i come home, i can't even sleep in my own room anymore. not that it was ever really my room, so much as a room with an extra bed in it. but at least i had that. now it's just filled to the brim with rubbermaid tubs that spill over with old tax forms, credit card receipts and just plain worthless shit. not to mention that i just found out an hour or so ago from my brother that they sold the bed, so even if i worked up the motivation to go in and make sense of things, there'd be nothing soft for me to lay my head on.

so i settle for the loveseat. it's too short, uncomfortable and not safe from the crazy fucking dog. i'm sure to wake up from her either jumping on my chest or scratching at my arms for attention.

i spent all my life not being able to have people over. no sleepovers, no friends coming by after school. it was too embarassing, too shameful to have them see all the piles of things. so many senseless piles. and i blamed myself over and over again for not doing anything. now i come back a handful of times a year and i spend the entire weekend (or however long i'm here) going on a rampage through the house to clean and organize and make things seem normal.

"it's going to stay this way from now on," my mom always says. and for some reason, i always believe her.

my heart breaks every time i come home. and now i need an escape plan. a way to say that i won't do this anymore. i won't spend my "on vacation" with a roll of paper towel and a trash bag trying to be merry maid. every fucking time.

but hey, at least they just bought a new gigantic flat screen for my dad. god fucking bless.

#3

...here's where i stand, here's who i am

I fucking adore the movie "CAMP". The acting is atrocious, there is little to no plot at all, and continuity errors are sprinkled across the movie like sequins on a drag queen. But goddamn! The music is fantastic, just fantastic. I get goosebumps at least every 20 minutes from the loud, booming voices and I've seen this movie at least 50 times in my life. I owned the soundtrack until I wore it out from all the playing.

I should be practicing my guitar right now, keeping the ol' digits warm and freshly calloused, but the hangover I'm exhibiting right now has me paralyzed to the couch. How many gigantic steins of water can I drink in one day, you ask? The answer is many. Oh so many.

Did I mention that a young Anna Kendrick is in CAMP? She plays strange little Fritzy.

Also, I may want to move to Madison in another year or two. God help me.

#2

...i've got greens and i've got blues

Guitar lessons are awesome. It's strange that I can actually see an improvement - okay, maybe it's not actually strange, since it's been about two months or so. I guess that's the whole point. I'm getting more and more excited for playing in front of people. I also really enjoy the time I spend with Jed; the guy is hilarious and a really big sweetheart. I would recommend him to anyone.

I'm even more excited to start playing the Drive-By Truckers today. Isbell-truckers, of course. Isbell-truckers reminds me of a really good time in my life.

I wish it weren't so humid and muggy out, I'd suggest that we practice out in the backyard. Oh well, to the air-conditioned confines of the basement, I suppose.

I'm readyreadyready to make something magical with what I got.

#1

...we can live like this

So here we go. Blog #3. I wanted to start writing in one again, but my first blog is tainted with such negativity from a past relationship and blog #2 was a culinary fail. So here we go. Maybe this time I'll avoid themes and stop using this as just a painful outlet so that it's not something I have to give up on later.

There are two fireflies dancing in my overgrown backyard right now.

Nothing says summer like a firefly. They're harmless, beautiful. Even as the smallest child, it was the only bug I'd ever willingly touch. I still don't stop chasing them. Just to hold them, make a wish or remind myself of how lucky I've been, then let them take flight back to the sky.

Chicago has been kind to me. It's been a bizarre journey, to say the least, but my life is on a steep incline up towards awesome. I'm in no rush, though. I just wanna take each day as it hits me. Some hit harder than others, but I've made it through so much bullshit at this point, what's another minor setback?

Jack's Mannequin may be the soundtrack of summer. It makes me feel inspired. Cliche? Trite? 100% baby, but if you don't like that - you can go fuck yourself.

See you soon.

xoxo