#13

...lived unbruised and we are friends, and i'm sorry - i'm sorry

i know i had a completely different blog with which to fill with rants and what not about you. but those were rants against the old you, the angry you who was stringing me along and felt no remorse. or at least acted that way.

then something beautiful happened and we turned into amazing friends and i think about you every day in the most wonderful, natural, fondest of ways. you are the first person i'd call on in an emergency and i know it's vice-versa.

the things you said last night shook me to the core. because they are things that i used to dream of, i used to dream for us. but i know they can't ever be real. we owe more to ourselves than that. we owe ourselves pure honesty and love and the ability to be open and real.

i don't know what i'm saying anymore. i just know that when you left today, it was the saddest i've ever been when we part ways. hours of staring out the window of a megabus and pondering if i had made the right decision seemed like a welcomed vacation to the lump in my throat at work all night tonight.

my blanket smells like you. it smells like your bed. it smells like we belong next to each other. how am i supposed to sleep tonight? or tomorrow night?

but it's true. i love you, i love you so very much - but i am not in love with you (nor you in love with me).