#14

...she had no heart so hardened

i want to write an open letter to people i miss and love. people that i never kept in close-enough contact with but still think about often. or people i sort of keep contact with but wish it were an every day thing. i wish i were a better friend to all of you.

andrea - you have a heart made of the purest gold. you are always full of good intentions, honest emotions and unconditional love for the people in your life. you are selfless and because of that you are one of the most beautiful people i know. you are my doublemint twin, and i hope we always have that. i'm sorry that i can be a disappointment. that i'm not prompt with things and i get caught up in my day to days. i owe you phone calls, letters, visits and still money. i haven't forgotten and i never would. not a day goes by that something doesn't remind me of you or of you and joe or of the wedding. i lovelovelove you and i know it may not always seem like that, but it's true.

cameron/joebear/drewbear - you guys were my family in columbia. you still are my family. i think of all three of you as my trio of brothers. guys i can joke and laugh with, tease, whatever and still rely on. you guys may try to put up this sarcastic-jokester front but i'll always see past it. cameron, you were my right-hand man at moe's and sometimes the only thing keeping me sane. i'm sorry i missed out puppy-date, i'll always regret that one. joebear, watching 'and the band played on' with you was an excellent bonding experience that really showed how much there is to you. i couldn't be happier that you and andrea found an amazing love together and that i got to watch it grow from the beginning. drewbear, i wish you had hugged me before you moved to oregon, but i'm glad you're back. that means you owe me double-hugs when i visit. you are probably the biggest jerk when it comes to the sarcasm and the sass, but you're always the first one i want to hug and see. because i know you really are this lovable teddy bear.

reggie - i think about you a lot. i'm glad we had that phone conversation and i'm sorry we don't have more. i'm terrible at phone calls. thank you for always believing in me at moe's and the work that i was doing. you can be the biggest dick in the world and yet i knew you'd be the first one there if i ever needed you. you took care of me when i really needed it and you were always a voice of reason, even if the voice you were using was a totally douchey one. i'm glad you have gringo's and this amazing life in south carolina. i'm still going to try to visit you one day.

bonnie - i love you so much because you've been pushing me from the beginning. always telling me to grow a pair and stand up for myself and do what i want. it is something that will always stick with me. i know things have been rough for you and that i haven't been there. that i can't even keep a phone date. but i think about you every day, too, and that beautiful son of yours. i can't wait to make it back to hannibal soon and try to wrestle him into a hug. i'll wrestle you too, if i have to. you may not know it, but you were the driving force behind a lot of decisions i've made in my life. you inspire me to live for myself even if it doesn't make any sense. you're the most honest and loyal friend i've ever had and you are fierce with what you say, i love that. you mean every word. i miss you every day and always wish i had you with me to consult. we are long overdue for a catch-up chat. i will try my very best to make that happen more.

michelle/abby - you girls. jesus christ, where do i even start? you were two of the most unique and hilarious personalities i had ever met an i'm so glad i had you guys to talk to through that freshman year. and i'm glad that while it's been distant, we've managed to loosely keep in touch. we always have our shitty lives to talk about, but you both manage to do it with a smile and a laugh (i think that's probably the insanity breaking through, i do it all the time), and i love it. i hope we see each other soon, because i could totally use a margarita date.

allie/kris - you ladies taught me how to pull up my big-girl pants and sharpen my wit. you were my partners in crime. i know we've grown into three different directions, but i always look back to the parties and shows and social gatherings we attended and remember nothing but fucking hysterical times. we are three bold, bright, cunning women. let us not forget.

i don't know. the decemberists always make me miss smarr court and the life i had there. i know this one is better and suits me, but sometimes that back stoop was all i needed.