Do You Realize?

I have never, ever, in all my life been left so amazed and in awe after a show. In all my years of going to tiny clubs, festivals, and all the in-betweens, I have never felt so inspired and absolutely alive. Thank you, thank you, thank you Flaming Lips. Before the set even started and they were just testing lights and effects, I just stood there saying "man, I really wish I were more fucked up for this set. It's going to be crazy!". I watched so many people light up their bowls and start passing out glowsticks, and I thought I was in for another Bonnaroo-esque experience, on a much smaller scale. The sirens sound and lights fade up - before I even have a chance to gather what's going on, the music is a blaring and the stage explodes. Giant confetti-filled balloons rolling over the audience. Streamers being shot out from Wayne Coyne's hands. So many different colored lights. It was magical. Like a cupcake factory exploding onto a prom during a child's birthday party. I was thrilled. "This is going to be a religious experience," I think to myself. I like that this is how I am spending my sabbath. In between songs, Coyne makes it a point to constantly have the crowd's affection. "Come on, motherfuckers. Come on," he says, in a way that isn't the slightest bit offensive. It's earnest, and because of that you have to just scream and clap. I start to wonder about his ego. There's a bold display of vanity that radiates from Coyne. I smile and think about how narcissistic he might be. I decide he is not. He is like a child himself on stage, surrounded by toys and props and shiny things. He climbs into a hamster ball and challenges himself to stay standing, only supported by a sea of hands underneath him. I admire this. I decide that this is very much a religious experience. Songs come and go - I am by no means a huge Flaming Lips fan. I know a few things from a few different albums; I really enjoy what I do know, but I am not there to sing every word to every song. I am there to feel. To see and experience all of this wonder. In the middle of the set, in the middle of a song, Coyne slips into a giant pair of hands. I mean - they are massive. And I go back to his ego and the vanity and the possible narcissism. I have come to the conclusion that Coyne has a bit of a God-complex. He likes to be in control. He likes to be in front of a group and deliver a message. He likes to be praised. And all in all, he is worthy of it, from what I've seen up to that point. The lights go out and Coyne's giant hands shoot LED streams at a massive, twirling disco ball. It is mesmerizing. The set goes on and so does the dancing and the jumping and the screaming. My throat is raw. The lights go out - the set is over. So more clapping and screaming. People throw glow sticks and their face paint is wearing off. An encore. The lights are this delicious blend of blue and white. An almost vanilla-shade, really. I am caught in this delightful trance as I watch them do a song they recorded with Bon Iver. Then they are gone again. "It can't be over! It can't be," I say. I realize when the show is actually done, I will be devastatingly heartbroken. I am not ready. The lights go back up and the band returns for a second encore. Ballsy. Totally in line with my theory on Coyne's God-complex. And then he preaches. And it is the most beautiful message. A man so humbled by his fans, so amazed and aware of their allegiance to this band. I can't speak or think anymore. He is a prophet now. It's all too real. And he says "it's amazing because there are some of you out there right now, some of you that are probably going through some real shit but you put on a smile and you come here to forget it all and to be a part of this amazing group of people." I can't take it anymore. I lose all inhibition and tears pour out of my eyeballs like they are goddamn waterfalls. How true is that? How many people in that crowd spend their day-to-days drowning in a sea of bullshit, but come together in this one moment to put it behind them and completely let go. "Do You Realize" starts, a song that I have always adored and understood, and the stage explodes with confetti. Balls are bouncing from hand to hand, across countless people, and I am breathless. My hands cannot stay anywhere but pointed to the sky while I look up to the clouds. The moon is hazy, but there. I am sobbing uncontrollably, but not because I'm sad. Because in this moment, in the middle of Forest Park, on the last day of my last music festival of the summer, I am the happiest I have ever been. I feel a sense of gratitude that has never existed for me. My heart actually feels like it may burst inside of my rib cage and splatter my insides with glitter. A calm washes over me like white-wash on a fence post. It wouldn't look that way, as I am just blubbering like a fool with rainbow-colored confetti stuck to my face. Coyne draws everyone back in for a gentle ending. I can't believe it's over. I'm not ready, but I realize I have to be. I put my hands on my chest and prepare myself as best as possible for going back to reality. Then it is over and Coyne has slipped away. Almost like a mythical creature. But I am still unbelievably happy. And I know where I need to be - in my best friend's arms. What's shocking is that he is sobbing, too. And unlike me (a giant baby), he never cries. But Coyne's message has sunk in deep. The beauty and majesty of the set is resonating on a level that is almost impossible to describe. We clutch each other like the world is ending, but neither of us is sad. I am in a state of calm that I had never thought possible for myself. I think about what I have to do when I get back to the city and I am not worried. I am not stressed. I am genuinely grateful for everything and everyone I have. I am so in love with the people in my life and I am so in love with the memories I am fortunate enough to make. Most of all, I finally reached the point where I am so in love with myself. Myself with all of my broken parts, with all of my flaws and faults. I am completely and utterly in love with myself. I have the most beautiful face.

#18

...when he's the one, i'll come undone and my world will stop spinning

i don't know if this is just some crazy thought rolling around in my brain or perhaps a legit fear. maybe it's just all the sad songs i've been listening to and all the memories i've been digging up and trying to hold onto. that's probably more likely. either way, the thought that keeps coming back to me - while i'm brushing my hair, taking the bus to work, eating carrots and hummus - is that you're the one. you're actually the one that was supposed to be mine and for some cruel reason or another, we just can't make this happen. two different people that can't get past one thing that would bring them the most happiness.

i'm not super torn up about it. i accepted my fate as a spinster awhile ago. i just sigh a little bit when i think about how your face would look if i was the one walking towards you at our own wedding. sure, that may sound creepy, but that's my life. and since you're probably the one, i don't really feel a need to explain that to you...i know you understand.

#17

...i wish that i were deaf so i couldn't hear the things that you said under your breath

back home. first full day back to my grown-up life.

status? panicked. very, very panicky.

#15

...let's run away and don't ever look back

baggage with the boy is over, thank god. i'm glad i could finally put (another) blanket on that and lay it to rest. i think it was just the fall, it sometimes takes me down like that.

in other news, i'm still having moody days, but have nothing to attribute them to. maybe the cold, or the leaves, or the same ol' sappy songs i'm always listening to.

in reality, i think something big is coming. i'm not sure what it could be, but it's been causing an unrest in my bones for a hot minute now. winter is always a time of sleep and quiet, but i think this winter is going to bring the noise. something huge is going to happen in my life in the next few months and i haven't been able to decide if it's going to be amazing or crushing. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't totally excited for the adventure, though. let's just hope i'm not wrong about all of this.

also, i love katy perry's new album and i don't give no fuck what that says about me.

#14

...she had no heart so hardened

i want to write an open letter to people i miss and love. people that i never kept in close-enough contact with but still think about often. or people i sort of keep contact with but wish it were an every day thing. i wish i were a better friend to all of you.

andrea - you have a heart made of the purest gold. you are always full of good intentions, honest emotions and unconditional love for the people in your life. you are selfless and because of that you are one of the most beautiful people i know. you are my doublemint twin, and i hope we always have that. i'm sorry that i can be a disappointment. that i'm not prompt with things and i get caught up in my day to days. i owe you phone calls, letters, visits and still money. i haven't forgotten and i never would. not a day goes by that something doesn't remind me of you or of you and joe or of the wedding. i lovelovelove you and i know it may not always seem like that, but it's true.

cameron/joebear/drewbear - you guys were my family in columbia. you still are my family. i think of all three of you as my trio of brothers. guys i can joke and laugh with, tease, whatever and still rely on. you guys may try to put up this sarcastic-jokester front but i'll always see past it. cameron, you were my right-hand man at moe's and sometimes the only thing keeping me sane. i'm sorry i missed out puppy-date, i'll always regret that one. joebear, watching 'and the band played on' with you was an excellent bonding experience that really showed how much there is to you. i couldn't be happier that you and andrea found an amazing love together and that i got to watch it grow from the beginning. drewbear, i wish you had hugged me before you moved to oregon, but i'm glad you're back. that means you owe me double-hugs when i visit. you are probably the biggest jerk when it comes to the sarcasm and the sass, but you're always the first one i want to hug and see. because i know you really are this lovable teddy bear.

reggie - i think about you a lot. i'm glad we had that phone conversation and i'm sorry we don't have more. i'm terrible at phone calls. thank you for always believing in me at moe's and the work that i was doing. you can be the biggest dick in the world and yet i knew you'd be the first one there if i ever needed you. you took care of me when i really needed it and you were always a voice of reason, even if the voice you were using was a totally douchey one. i'm glad you have gringo's and this amazing life in south carolina. i'm still going to try to visit you one day.

bonnie - i love you so much because you've been pushing me from the beginning. always telling me to grow a pair and stand up for myself and do what i want. it is something that will always stick with me. i know things have been rough for you and that i haven't been there. that i can't even keep a phone date. but i think about you every day, too, and that beautiful son of yours. i can't wait to make it back to hannibal soon and try to wrestle him into a hug. i'll wrestle you too, if i have to. you may not know it, but you were the driving force behind a lot of decisions i've made in my life. you inspire me to live for myself even if it doesn't make any sense. you're the most honest and loyal friend i've ever had and you are fierce with what you say, i love that. you mean every word. i miss you every day and always wish i had you with me to consult. we are long overdue for a catch-up chat. i will try my very best to make that happen more.

michelle/abby - you girls. jesus christ, where do i even start? you were two of the most unique and hilarious personalities i had ever met an i'm so glad i had you guys to talk to through that freshman year. and i'm glad that while it's been distant, we've managed to loosely keep in touch. we always have our shitty lives to talk about, but you both manage to do it with a smile and a laugh (i think that's probably the insanity breaking through, i do it all the time), and i love it. i hope we see each other soon, because i could totally use a margarita date.

allie/kris - you ladies taught me how to pull up my big-girl pants and sharpen my wit. you were my partners in crime. i know we've grown into three different directions, but i always look back to the parties and shows and social gatherings we attended and remember nothing but fucking hysterical times. we are three bold, bright, cunning women. let us not forget.

i don't know. the decemberists always make me miss smarr court and the life i had there. i know this one is better and suits me, but sometimes that back stoop was all i needed.

#13

...lived unbruised and we are friends, and i'm sorry - i'm sorry

i know i had a completely different blog with which to fill with rants and what not about you. but those were rants against the old you, the angry you who was stringing me along and felt no remorse. or at least acted that way.

then something beautiful happened and we turned into amazing friends and i think about you every day in the most wonderful, natural, fondest of ways. you are the first person i'd call on in an emergency and i know it's vice-versa.

the things you said last night shook me to the core. because they are things that i used to dream of, i used to dream for us. but i know they can't ever be real. we owe more to ourselves than that. we owe ourselves pure honesty and love and the ability to be open and real.

i don't know what i'm saying anymore. i just know that when you left today, it was the saddest i've ever been when we part ways. hours of staring out the window of a megabus and pondering if i had made the right decision seemed like a welcomed vacation to the lump in my throat at work all night tonight.

my blanket smells like you. it smells like your bed. it smells like we belong next to each other. how am i supposed to sleep tonight? or tomorrow night?

but it's true. i love you, i love you so very much - but i am not in love with you (nor you in love with me).

#12

...you say you hear human voices but they're only echoes



this is how i feel most days. completely drained by my loyalties to people. sometimes they're loyalties to people who don't deserve them or aren't relevant anymore. when will i learn to just move on and actually be this independent sassy bitch that i make myself out to be? soon, i hope.