#8

...i know you have much more love than you have shown

i've only really said this out loud to one person. to the most important person. who didn't take me seriously, not that it matters. he couldn't help me. i just needed to be heard and believed.

i want a baby.

i think about it at least once every day. i want to feel a warmth inside of me and have that warmth become a bundle in my arms. something to nurture and teach and inspire. i want a baby to give all of this love that's spilling out of me to. to raise as a little person with ideas and a bold, beautiful imagination.

i would raise the best baby in the world, with or without anyone by my side.

#7

...happiness hit her like a train on a track

Man, exercise always makes me poop.

I think that's probably a good sign - that whatever I'm doing is forcing all of the bad out of my body in one lump (get it) sum. Today was the first day of Body For Life for me, which means for the next 12 weeks, I'll be a bonified gym rat. I'll only drink one day a week, give up red meat, be up at 4 a.m. most mornings and maybe, just maybe, develop a sleeping pattern.

Hells bells.

I'm actually pretty pumped, but today was only day one. This time next week, I'll be all "goddamn i want a beer and a hot dog".

Whatever, at least I have an awesome mix of songs for the gym. I call the playlist "gym beatz". It is promising.

#6

...every time you waste a moment, you waste make-believe

I'm listening to Bonnie 'Prince' Billy, looking through old photos from various stages of my life to make prints and talking to Michael Shults. That last part of that is extremely weird as Michael and I went to school together but were never close and haven't really talked since we graduated. He's a nice guy, though, and a super-talented musician. I guess that's always been our common bond. In 6th grade, I had a giant lady-boner for him because he was really sweet to me and we were both crazed over the Cardinals.

Sometimes I like to reminisce about various chapters in my life and remember how infinite I really am. There is a core group of people in my life that this also applies to. Like Charlie in 'Perks of Being a Wallflower', we were infinite.

Wow, that was really lame. My apologies.

I should be asleep. But I felt so behind on things to do with my computer. The thing is, someday I should realize that sleep is not something I can just give up or make up later. Hopefully Body for Life will break that habit.

I'm sort of just rambling right now. But the music is making me feel inspired to write, so hear I am.

Damn you, Michael Shults.

#5

...it's simple, but somehow, letting go's the hardest part

I just facebook-stalked Kara. It's weird, because I keep thinking that I'm going to see her face, or see a comment from her and it'll bring all this emotion and heartache rushing to my face, burning my cheeks. Instead, I see her and I just assume she's telling people awful things about me, which could or could not be true, and I shake my head and realize I'm better off.

I'm ready for such a big change. Like...completely different from anything I've expected before. I want something that makes everyone look at me twice, blink and say "holy shit". Not just because of a physical makeover, but because I'm going to finally get my shit together and people will sense that.

Also - Hanson? Still the best show I'll ever see. Seriously. It reminds me of why I have always loved music and why I want to explore my potential as a musician.

AHHHH I'M READY.